To the Virgins: Sisterly Advice for Your Wedding Night

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This post is for people who are about to have sex for the first time, or who would like to hilariously remember all the things they wished they’d known the first time they had sex. If you’re not prepared to read about either of those things, here’s a fun alternative activity!

Wow! You’re really going to do this thing, huh? I mean, you’ve spent your whole life remembering who you are, making wise choices, and not staying out late with members of the opposite sex. You clearly found a person that you love a whole lot, and probably one who you’ve enjoyed kissing. Now that you’re seriously going to marry him or her, sex is no longer “that thing you must avoid at all costs because you WILL get a venereal disease and die.”

Still, S-E-X is a little scary. It’s a new thing that you’ve never done before, much like base-jumping or eating a Chinese moon-pie. It doesn’t mean it’s bad, it just means you don’t know what you’re doing. This is why a lot of people decide tlto get some perspective on what they should be doing in the bedroom. As your friendly neighborhood big-sister-type person, I feel obliged to give you some honest, direct, and helpful advice to put your first sexual experience into perspective.

Because I love you.

Relax. It Gets Better.

Think about it: For years you’ve been told that you shouldn’t be looking at (or touching) what’s in the bathing-suit zone of another human, and then…voila! One day, it’s totally cool. It’s like going from a red light directly to a green one. You haven’t even had time to rev your engine.

Virgins, give yourself a break and relax. You chose the right person – someone who loves you and wants you to be happy. Be patient with each other and recognize that it’s okay to be nervous. This first time is probably going to be weird, uncomfortable, and awkward.

That’s actually a really nice way to put it. The truth? It’s likely going to suck, and you’ll end up wanting to sue every movie studio in existence for lying to you your whole life.

Take it from me: wait before you pay that legal retaining fee. The next time will be better, I promise. And the next time, even better than that. Just be willing to laugh and learn together, and IΒ guarantee the fear and suckiness will drop away. And you don’t have to incur any messy legal fees.

Take Some Time To Get To Know Each Other

Remember sex ed in high school? The A + B = C sex talk that mainly sounded like an auto shop guy talking about how a carburetor is put together? Yeah, having sex is more than just about how parts fit together. Sex is about trust. For a lot of women, it requires feeling safe and protected. I conjecture that it’s one of the reasons why the first few times you do it, it sucks so bad. You are nervous, you are tense, and you generally want to hide under the bed. None of these things are conducive to feeling sexy or safe.

My advice to you virgins? Before you jump into the whole A + B = C part of sex, take a little time to get comfortable with the new landscape. Take your clothes off, get under the covers and just talk for a little while. Make some awkward jokes, look into each others’ eyes, or play a grown up version of truth or dare. Look at all the new parts and appreciate them. Touch them if you feel comfortable. Ask questions. Some people I know don’t even have sex right away after they get married. There is no judgement, and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Sex should be fun, intimate, and pleasurable. That’s most likely going to happen when you feel ready, not because of someone else’s timeline.

WLW Features - virgins

To Serve and Protect

Although, traditionally, women have been in charge of birth control, that paradigm has shifted over the past 50 years. Condoms, diaphragms, the pill…whatever you pick, y’all need to be real honest about who is in charge of protecting the goods (or if you want to be protecting them at all) long before your virgin sexual encounter.

Not only that, but you should be familiar with how that particular product works and how to make it function. There are some great online tutorials, and I’ve already done the scary part of Google searching them already. You’re welcome. Please don’t check my browser history.

The Wetter, The Better

If you have a hard time with honesty, truth, or are squeamish about the word “moist,” you should probably go. We’re gonna talk logistics.

Your virgin body wants to connect with another body. It’s designed to do it, and does a whole bunch of stuff automatically when you’re feeling in the mood. One of the most important things it does is lubricate all the passageways where the action is going to happen. Unfortunately, when you’re first starting out, you or your partner might be nervous and tense. Those feelings often subconsciously inform the body not to make all the slippery stuff that makes sex easier.

So, it’s always a good idea to have a nice human-made lubricant on hand for the first few times. Just make sure you choose a sustainable brand. KY Jelly, Astroglide, or Sliquid are all great choices that will make the initial attempts easier and less painful. Not using enough could lead to micro-tears in the vagina, so make sure you put as much on as you’d like. No need to be stingy. Sex is slippery, wet, messy, and (yes, I’ll say it) moist, but wonderful. Just accept that there will be a wet spot and try to enjoy everything else.

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Enjoy the Ride, Forget the “O”

Speaking of rides, do you remember learning to ride a bicycle? There was this one point where someone let go of your seat and you were riding, on your own, with no training wheels. It was exhilarating and wonderful. And then you crashed.

Sex is probably going to be a lot like that, virgin friends. You’ll have some false starts and some hiccups getting started, and then you’ll start flying. Just enjoy that moment when you’re in it. Remember, you get to be with this amazing person forever. You can have this experience whenever you want it, and every time you do, you will become closer and more united with that person. Hold on to that feeling.

That closeness, that intimacy, is the best part of the process for now. Don’t pressure yourself into feeling you have to have an orgasm to enjoy sex. As you become more relaxed, more open, and more comfortable with the sexual experience, the more likely you will be to experience that ultimate climax. It will come (*inappropriate double-entendre snicker*) when you’re both ready.

Talk It Out

There’s this weird social prejudice that says that men shouldn’t want to talk after sex. I call bullshit on that. If men are smart, they should really learn how to talk after sex, especially in the beginning.

After making the kind of emotional, spiritual, and physical connection that you just have, it is wise to share thoughts. Maybe immediately after your virgin sexual experience isn’t the perfect time. You still might not be ready to have a fully-formed conversation. Wait until your ears stop ringing and you’ve wiped away a few tears (yes, it’s totally okay for one or both of you to cry after sex). When you’re ready – say, in the shower, or over breakfast – talk about the experience.

  • Were there things that were good?
  • Were there things that could be better?
  • How did you feel?
  • What did you think it was going to be like, and how did it differ from the reality?

It might feel awkward to talk about it, but it will help connect you and give you an opportunity to learn how to better serve the other. Sex, like marriage, is about love, honesty, communication, and service. Even the worst first sexual experience can be a learning experience if you’re willing to learn from it respectfully and with compassion.

eternity-1

Remember Forever

While our culture seems to be particularly sexualized, remember: sex is just one of the amazing things you two will learn how to do together. You will also learn how to have children together, pay bills together, and cook in an incredibly small kitchen together. Don’t pressure yourself to know it all now. You have a lifetime to learn new ways of making your marital experiences positive, enlightening, and fun. That’s what forever is all about.

I’m sure I missed some stuff. If you have any other helpful tips, please leave them in the comments below. I’ve only been married for 10 years, so I still basically have no idea what I’m doing.

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Doctor Shifu
3 years ago

Sex like other things takes practice. If you are a bit nervous and feel goofy that’s perfectly normal. Communicate with your partner. Understand both likes and dislikes, try to make her comfortable, do not force her or hurry to initiate sex be gentle with your partner and focus on how amazing it is to finally be in each other arms as a married couple.

J Life
3 years ago

This is a particularly helpful blog for women from the conservative nations where sex is still a taboo and gaining the necessary information about physical relationships can be a meticulous task. Thank you for sharing this post and making it appear all so casual and light. Hoping to see more writers come up with such topics.

Anonymous
Anonymous
6 months ago
Reply to  Willow Becker

πŸ™‚

Last edited 2 months ago by Willow Becker
Racial Dcruzz
4 years ago

Hey, I’m 20 years old and i recently broke my virginity it was the most painful experience and i didnt feel any sweetness,and ever since that day i have not been enjoying it i don’t know how to tell him that.pliz help me how do i get to enjoy sex coz its like am just making him happy though i love him so very much.can you pliz help me?

Sleek
Sleek
4 years ago
Reply to  Racial Dcruzz

Close your legs!! You’re still too young for that. You might do it out of love but he might not. That’s what you should think,too. Sex is the product of love; love is not the product of sex. They mean different things.

John3:16
John3:16
3 years ago
Reply to  Willow Becker

Rather tell the truth and lead someone to Christ/heaven than comfort them with a lie and lead them to hell. Repent of your sins and believe in Jesus Christ, that he was died for your sins, was buried, and 3 days later rose again.

John3:16
John3:16
3 years ago
Reply to  Racial Dcruzz

You should flea from sexual immorality, a real man would wait to marry you if he truly loves you to have sex. Turn to Jesus and He will forgive you if your sins and cleanse you from unrighteousness. PLEASE seek Jesus and know Him, after this life it’s heaven and hell it’s time to turn to Jesus before it’s to late.

Elizabeth
4 years ago

Thank you for this information,Iam still a Virgin iam looking forward for that wedding night.God has kept me I Thank Him.

African queen
African queen
4 years ago

So help me God! Am scared as hell! Keeping myself for the right man cause I promised it to God.I hope whoever he turns out to be,he will appreciate my strength and love me very much forever. I am nervous about sex but know I have a cat inside. Lol I hope I like it after all. Love your post!Thank you.

Peggy
Peggy
4 years ago

My concern is that I’m a virgin but he is not. So, I worry about my not doing something right.

ibochouba
4 years ago
Reply to  Willow Becker

Hahahaha LoL LoL LoL

Diamond.Bound
Diamond.Bound
5 years ago

Scared,

My wife had the same problem with fear of it hurting. If you are nervous, things in your body will not respond right. Use lots of KY-jelly. My wife and I couldn’t get the hang of intercourse until one day we were babysitting together and she got really turned on. After that things worked well. But every time we were together before that she was terrified. But that night when we first “Did IT” she said it really didn’t hurt that much at all. I don’t know if this is typical but for us, she was scared for no reason.
So try to relax and be comfortable with yourself and your husband. And don’t worry if it takes you two months to “do the deed”. It may take you a while to get comfortable, or turned on, by your spouse.
We got frustrated and worried that there was something wrong with us because it took us so long to figure out how to have sex. Just get comfortable together. Take showers together, do massages. Peel off clothes and touch stuff you aren’t slowed to touch before, but most of all, relax. Don’t be uptight or it makes everything else difficult. πŸ™‚

Diamond.Bound
Diamond.Bound
5 years ago

For me any my wife it took us a little under two months to “figure things out”. We were both virgins on our wedding night. My mom kept asking “so how are things going . .” I kept telling her “not yet” πŸ™‚
We’ve been married 19 years and one thing I would like to mention to the guys, your wife should have an orgasm first, then intercourse. Women can’t have orgasms like guys do. It takes them 10-15 minutes to climax. And guys just can’t last that long. So I def. agree. Buy a viabrator, but only you get to use it on her. πŸ™‚
It took me YEARS to learn that trick, because of that for 10 years my wife just wasn’t excited about sex. She saw it as a chore, like doing the dishes. Make HER enjoy it and life will be much more enjoyable for you and your sex life πŸ™‚

geistkatze
geistkatze
4 years ago
Reply to  Diamond.Bound

It sometimes takes women longer (and shorter if they are really excited) and yes, men can wait that long…and much longer. But a woman doesn’t have to be first and it doesn’t have to be together. It can be what you want and what makes you happy. Sure, buy a toy but use it on whoever wants it. There is no right or wrong here. But I will say if a woman has an orgasm or two first, she gets many multiple Os a lot faster and easier and more intensely.

Scared
Scared
5 years ago

Wanting to do it my first time, I can’t get past the fear it will hurt, I’m fine with being sore after, but I’m worried of being in actual pain, is it just a myth? And are they ways to make it the least painful first time?

Nathaniel
Nathaniel
6 years ago

You can eat it, so of course it’s safe! πŸ™‚

Carly
Carly
6 years ago

Do you have any tips for grooming down there for ladies?

Bob
Bob
6 years ago

Re: coconut oil… ABSOLUTELY the best. Almond oil is second best, and great for massage as well.

Bob
Bob
6 years ago

One thing to REMEMBER… Relax if you can (eventually you will anyway, so cut to the chase) get out of your head and be present, in the moment. One thing to NEVER FORGET… foreplay can be the best part. A wife may not want it as much as she needs it, so if you can be patient and help her understand this, you will both be having AMAZING intimacy and AMAZING sex by default. DON’T work at it, relax and repeat. 32 years, 8 wonderful children, and it keeps getting better… smh, how does that work??? God knows what He is doing… let Him into the relationship and it will flow, allowing the bond to continuously strengthen. AMAZING GRACE, when first I saw my wife as God sees her!!!

WB
WB
6 years ago

I love all the above comments. One thing I would suggest on your wedding night is to do the things you would normally do on a date when you have a heavy make out session. Maybe go park somewhere, watch a movie all snuggled up, etc. Then instead of having to stop yourselves as you did before you now get to go all the way. Looking back on our wedding night we both wish we had done that to make it feel more natural. Also– we snuck a quickie between the wedding and the reception which made it a little less awkward that night. Going on 17 years and still learning! Oh and Amen to the post about vibrators.

Baby nurse
Baby nurse
7 years ago

Two words:
COCONUT OIL.
Best lubricant EVER. When it’s at room temperature it is solid. When it’s scooped out by your hand, becomes liquid just as it needs to be (and is delicious). ‘Nuff said.

willow
7 years ago
Reply to  Baby nurse

That’s phenomenal. I never even thought of that. Question is, is it safe? Perhaps there is a very smart nurse-y type person who could weigh in…

Catherine
Catherine
7 years ago

I appreciate your article and the respectful way this sensitive subject has been discussed. At the risk of divulging too much, I think it needs to be mentioned that some women just don’t reach climax on their own. I’ve been married 25 years, read my share of books, and neither my husband nor myself have been shy about exploring. But for whatever reason, I have never had an orgasm without the aid of a vibrator and a fresh battery. I’m suggesting to the men who love their wives that, if after exploring for a while, neither of you can get her over the top, offering such a gift to your wife says a great deal about your sensitivity to her pleasure. She will enjoy satisfiying you more if she knows you care more for her enjoyment than your own.

willow
7 years ago
Reply to  Catherine

This is a very sweet and appreciated comment. Thank you for sharing. πŸ™‚

JL
JL
7 years ago

Um, you’re not supposed to flush tampons…

Kim
Kim
7 years ago

One trick that I have learned over the years was that after having sex (especially a quickie before I leave for work), if I use a light or regular strength tampon and then take it out when I get to work (or within the next 30 mins or so), you won’t have that gross, sticky, sometimes-smelly (after working a 12 hour shift at a busy ER and never getting to pee a single time) sensation. It absorbs all the semen and then is easily flushed down the toilet.
It also helps me pee afterwards. Sometimes immediately after having sex, I have a hard time peeing because all the hormones and blood flow to the vaginal area make the ability to pee a lot less (there must be a loving Heavenly Father if our bodies naturally make it hard to pee during/after sex!!) and so when I place a tampon and then take it out a few minutes later, I can easily pee and the worries of a UTI are null and void.

Janice
Janice
7 years ago
Reply to  Kim

Kim, I do the same thing. Smart girl. Makes me feel so much cleaner the rest of the day. Great post, smart advice.

BTW – I have never NOT flushed a tampon. Not the plastic part, that gets wrapped up and put in the trash. The rest is flushed. Never heard of not flushing them

geistkatze
geistkatze
4 years ago
Reply to  Janice

It is on the box. Toilet paper is more easily biodegradable.

Kristin Batchelor
7 years ago

I also really recommend the book “The Act of Marriage.” It’s written with virgins in mind and it is awesome. My husband and I read it together before we got married and it made all the difference.

Jeremy
Jeremy
7 years ago

The first time… well, I guess the technical first time of actual intercourse didn’t happen until 4 months into our marriage. I haven’t heard / read this elsewhere, but I suspect there may be lots of “misfires” on the wedding night, honeymoon, and ever there after.

Just keep in mind that “making love” is more than intercourse. Bodies can give and receive pleasure in lots of ways. Talk with each other, feel free to experiment.

Intimacy, though great fun in a lot of ways, caused a lot of frustration early in our marriage. Now after 19 years, we still have a lot to learn but it’s a critical part in staying connected with each other. I’d say that we’re both grateful, looking back, that those struggles helped us to focus on loving each other in other ways