Will the Real Willow Please Stand Up?

I am definitely intimidated by you, you sneaky dogs. Every time I have thought about writing a new post I have given myself the willies. It is a little intimidating to write for people I SO want to make laugh (and impress, obviously), but I just don’t have the kind of resources to do it on a regular basis.

That is my confession to you.

This week has been difficult. I just realized that I am going through a crisis of personality. That is correct, a crisis of personality. It would be easier if it was a crisis of faith or a crisis of relationship, right? I could read some scriptures or buy Kyle some chocolate and it would all be good. This one? Not so easy to deal with.

It has come to my attention that I have a bunch of personalities. Most of you are already laughing, I know. This is not a really big secret. Anybody who has spent any amount of time around me knows that there are really cool versions of Willow and ones that really make you want to run screaming from the vicinity. To make this easier, I will just break it down for you and I.

Willow #1 – Cool Willow

Oh, she’s my favorite!! The life of every party, she has often been described as “outgoing” “energetic” and “fun to be around.” She is the one that does little dances (exceptionally choreographed, I might add) at the drop of a hat. She loves to throw parties and play games. She is very competitive and nice to old people. I love it when she decides to come around, which is usually in big groups where she can shine like the little star that she is.

Willow #2 – Mean Willow

Although she thinks she is just being disciplined, she can sometimes end up being sharp and cold. Students get to see her an awful lot, especially if they are not following directions. I have been told by Kyle that this one actually changes shapes. He says that my face gets really angular and I start channeling my dad. This makes sense because I was totally afraid of him for most of my young life. Mean Willow is not to be messed with, and she may possibly lead to…

Willow #3 – Crazy Willow

Wow! A rare treat. It is very few people who spend enough time with me to see this gem. This is the one who actually thinks that whether or not she wears underwear will determine if she will wake up in the morning. It is also the one that sometimes randomly calls my parents at 2am to tell them she loves them, just in case she dies in the night. Crazy Willow sounds hilarious, I know, but she is definitely not. In fact she is pretty darn scary, especially when she is about to start her period.

Willow #4 – Mormon Willow

Lots of you know this one. She is the one that comes out most, along with Cool Willow, to go to functions in society. She doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, and doesn’t swear. She follows rules and feels pretty good about it. She is a good example and cleans her house so that her husband is happy when he gets home, even though he never asks her to. She says and does things that would make Jesus proud, and she is happy to be of service to Him.

Willow #4 – Evil Willow

No one knows this one. I actually don’t even really know her myself. This is the one who wants to get totally wasted with Kyle and then streak naked through the park. She was really popular in my pantheon of personalities when I was a freshman in college, and I am not very fond of her. Still, I have to tolerate her because I can’t deny her existence. I do know that she likes to smoke Marlboros because they make her feel tough. She also likes having black hair and swearing like a truss builder after smashing his hand with a hammer. Sometimes she laughs at dirty jokes or creates a really horrible swear word, and I feel really embarrassed that she is me.

Willow #5 – The Other Willow

So, here’s my dilemma. How much of these other personalities are the real one? Does everyone have a litany of puling voices telling them how to act, and does everyone feel as conflicted as me? I think I’m not totally nuts, although that might be the first sign that I am not.

Freud said that there were 3 basic parts of the human psyche: The Id, The Ego, and the Super-Ego. The Id is the guts. It is the part that tells you to do stuff without even thinking. It controls passions, desires, hungers, and all those other caveman parts that kept us alive and breeding for thousands of years. The Ego is the smarts, the part that has all the rules and regulations. It is the part that tells us that stuff is wrong and we shouldn’t do it. The Super-Ego is the part that we are aware of; our conscious mind. Its job is to decide which subconscious part gets to make the decision of the day.

So, I feel like my multiple consciousness theory is not just me being schizophrenic, although I have been called that before.

Right now, I am trying to learn how to be honest with myself enough to know what is really me. Do I actually love parties, or do I just love attention? What do I really believe about my religion? What kind of person am I when I am all alone?

I guess I just realized lately that I really don’t know the answers to these questions. Maybe nobody does. My perspective is that, even if we don’t know (especially if we don’t know), we should be asking them every day. I feel a lot better about who I am by asking them, and I think that I am letting some of my false Willow’s die a little more each day.

That’s a good thing, because I am really excited to meet the real one. I think she will be funny, smart, sensitive, and a little brassy. I think she will be able to swear effectively, but not drink. She will be able to speak her mind because she knows it. Her laugh will be contagious, but she will only laugh at what is actually funny. She will be happy to be wherever she is, and never judge herself harshly for being there.

Doesn’t this sound like someone you would want to be around? It does to me. Finding her is the real trick. She’s here somewhere, I know, lost in a sea of fears, doubts, and traditions that don’t really suit her. I feel her just below the surface, and I am waiting at the edge of the water to pull her up when she’s ready.


You Have Time for Just One More:

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6 responses to “Will the Real Willow Please Stand Up?”

  1. Willow I love your blog. I've missed so much of your life living so far apart. I think the "deep thought" you are doing is great and it's brave of you to share your honest feelings with others. It's true we all have different parts of ourselves pulling and pushing inside of us. Being a grown up means we've realized our actions affect other's lives, but we still have the feelings going on in our heads. Celebrate the good part of yourself and try not to dwell on the other part and you'll have more joy.

  2. Thank you so much! I kind of feel nervous about reaching down and looking at the truth, kind of like wading into a pond and then looking closely at what is sliding between your legs. It is great to know that the prospect isn't necessarily damning from someone who has been through it. You are too school for cool.

  3. Liesel, you are such a good friend. It is a true shame that we only see each other every 5 years or so. Thanks for being a catalyst in my "self-project." It is really great to have people like you around to make me feel all warm and fuzzy when I am feeling cold and snakey.

  4. Your blog sounds like someone who is being very deeply introspective and self-examining which alot of people never do. This is a good thing and will only lead to finding that true self that you seek. Some of "us" did not do this until we were well into our 30s & 40s. Kudos to you for being brutally honest with yourself at this time in your life. Only good things will come of this. Some people never get this far in their own self-realization!!!

  5. I have lots of different personalities too. Anti-social, introvert, artsy Liesel; Adrenaline junkie, tough tomboy Liesel; Nice sweet mormon girl Liesel; Mean, yelling, frustrated, impatient, angry Mom Liesel; stubborn, opinionated, antiestablishmentary, rebellious Liesel; and I could go on but I won't. Sometimes I choose to let others out more and stuff others in the closet, but they are all me. I have seen plenty but not all of your sides, and no matter what, you are my friend and I love you. Sorry it has been hard lately. You should call me. Also you should know, intimidated or not, I have been very entertained and impressed with your blog. And not just because I am your friend (though maybe that is part of why I am your friend). Because you are smart and witty and unabashedly honest and an excellent writer.

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